Dear Kendry,

I enjoyed reading your essay and the topic you chose, but there are a few errors that need to be fixed. I believe your claim should be a little stronger. It’s in the correct format, but your wording could be improved. Right now, your claim is, “to support the gaining of positive representation, the film industry should advocate for the increase of positive representation of minorities because minorities aren’t always in a positive light in cinema and are often portrayed as criminals or in minor parts of the film”. When you say that these minorities are often portrayed as criminals, you’re being repetitive because that falls under wanting positive representation. Also, the part “are often portrayed as criminals or in minor parts of the film” is hurting your claim rather than helping it.

Now let’s talk about your introduction. First of all, I think you should check in with Professor Ewan to work on your introduction. Also, I recommend reviewing your starter sentence because it’s not as strong as it could be. You also contradicted yourself by saying marvel doesn’t have any movies with positive minority representation, but later on, you name movies like Black Panther and Captain Marvel. You also need to cite those movies.

You identified the issue very well and I am impressed by your evidence and how well it supports your claim. You explained the quotes very well as well. You also identified other opinions and defended your argument strongly. It seems to be like you used the classical oration method, although you are missing a few parts such as the background. I suggest you go back to the text, “structuring arguments” and follow the outlined steps. When stating your evidence, it can be very convincing, but I feel like you’re lacking something in your explanations to really persuade the reader. I did not identify any fallacious arguments but I do strongly suggest that you check in with Ewan. I also suggest you talk about more solutions to the issue that can be done.

Your conclusion could be so much stronger. I strongly suggest you proofread this thoroughly for syntax errors. Also, take a look at the structuring arguments article and follow the outlined steps for the conclusion. Something I noticed throughout your whole paper is your lack of commas and many syntax and grammar errors. I can’t stress enough how important it is to proofread your essay to fix syntax and grammar mistakes. Other than this, your essay was a pleasure to read.